Ok, well I've actually just made the dough.  I'm going to bake the cookies tomorrow morning when it's still cool.  Just doing a post to let people know I'm still alive.  Work is crazy.  I'm barely home it seems like and recently, when I have been home, I'm either exhausted or crabby at Ryan.  I'm tired now and thinking all British so forgive me if the verbage is out of place.

Ryan and I had a row last weekend.  To the point that I actually took off my ring and told him that since I could not do or say anything to make him happy I was packing an overnight bag (I had to work a Direct Support shift last week on Sunday due to stupid drama one of the individuals I support caused) and getting a room for the night.  I'd be back tomorrow and if he still wanted to be together, we could work it out.  I was done.

I ended up bawling because evidently the only time I cry now is after an extreme burst of anger.  We made up and I did come home after I worked my shift, but was kinda crabby still and still am despite really trying to work on it.

I know all of it is because of how overwhelmed I am at work.  I talked to my supervisors about it and they know I just want one program to run.  And that I do not want to be the roving relief manager because that's too many people for me to be in charge of.  Rather, I want one house (granted it's a larger house with 4 residents) and a smaller staff (8 regular, full time staff and about 6-8 relief) so that I can really focus on becoming a good manager with a strong program where I can focus on catching all the details and really get a chance to work with the individuals we serve in the home and be able to work with them to make change.  

As it is, I'm burning out fast because I'm trying to balance everything on a very full plate and more stuff keeps getting added.  Yes, I know, life of a manager.  But I've only been doing it 5 months.  I let my supervisors know I do not want to fail but that I'm feeling like things are dropping that I should be able to catch and be proactive about rather than reactive.

Evidently they had 3 manager interviews this week.  Sounds as if one of them went well.  If so, we're looking at me only having to hold on for 6 weeks more for a new person to step in, get trained and me to train them to the program before I can transition out and get back to the one program I want to be running.  And the director of that program told me I'm doing excellent and that she can tell that I have been working hard to make changes in small ways that are having bigger impacts.  

So I'm trying to give myself a break and just let the pieces fall where they may and look to God to help me handle this mess.  Because I seriously cannot do it all alone.  

So to be good to myself, I'm baking the cookies for my Miche party.  I do very few things for myself and while I do not consider myself very "girly," I do have things I like that make me feel for lack of a better term, pretty.  Purses are one of them.  I do try to limit myself to one purse at a time, almost always bought second-hand and use it until it wears out.  My current one is close to wearing out and I do have a replacement, but then my best friend invited me to her Miche party.  Yeah, ok, this is the kind of thing I want.  I have one purse and can change out the cover (magnets, how do those work?) to designs I like.  So I bought one and a cover and am hosting my own party (a cookie swap!)  to get more.  If anyone wants to take a look, the link is here:  jeannewundrow.miche.com  My name is the one on the bottom of the box on the left side should anyone feel so inclined for a purse themselves.  I moved everything over into that purse today and it feels nice to have downsized into a purse that doesn't feel like another bag I have to lug around.  

Other than that, not a lot going on in my life.  I'm looking forward to the company rafting trip we have coming up at the end of the month.  I do need to get a new bathing suit and a pair of water proof pants although.  The McKenzie is fed by the snow-capped mountains that are not all that far away and needless to say, that water is frigid.  I need a new bathing suit because the one I have is about 2 sizes too big and I feel frumpy in it.  I was looking online at bathing suits and holy crap they are expensive.  I'm hoping I can score one on clearance somewhere tomorrow when I plan to do a bit of shopping between planned events.  

My in-laws are in town from Vietnam for a month and we had a birthday party tonight and another one tomorrow night because we have round two of Birthday-Geddon.


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